One of the key concepts of phaet is that everything that’s happened in your life up to this point is critically tied to where you are. If you were to change anything, especially things that had a larger effect on your life, then you will drastically change where you’re at. For myself, this largely ties in with my relationships, among a few other things. As much as many of the relationships I’ve been in have hurt me to no end, if I were to remove those from my past, I would definitely not be where I am now. Considering that I’m in one of the best places I’ve been in my life, I feel changing anything of my past would be a downright shit idea.
At one point in time, I drove 2,742 miles in 70 hours total. My former roommate had bribed me to move her out to her boyfriend’s place by paying for fuel, tolls, food, and throwing hundreds of dollars in cash on my desk. Throughout that trip, I only had 8 hours of sleep and maybe another 6 hours of non-drive time in there, too. One of the only times in my life I had the time and resources to just, literally wander. I did, however, take some time to stop out in a small town in New England.
At least a half hour in and near that town was spent just crying. I don’t know if I can really narrow down why, but probably some combination of closure – knowing I fulfilled a promise, as well as realizing that I could have been there years before – when I should have. As I was sitting there, I did have the “would I go back in time and do this five years ago when I should have?” thought, and along with that came a number of fantasy scenarios in my head where things worked out and were different.
Riding with that, I then thought of all the things that have happened to me in the last five years that would either not have happened, or happened differently, and I realized that the way things happened, and what I did or didn’t do, are inevitably tied into my life. Would I have come to a certain realization about myself in 2020? I can’t be certain. Would I have been around locally to help my grandparents move to the east coast in 2022? Possibly not. Would I have the loving partners and friends I have now? Highly unlikely.
Embrace your past, even if it hurts, because if it were any different, your life would definitely not be the same. Embrace your past, but know that it’s your past, and you still hold power over your future. Grab the future by the horns, and turn it into what you want it to be…
You HAVE that power. Utilize it.